Some so-so Facebook statuses

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.

I am wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome :p

I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"