How to be a Kikuyu

Having been a Kikuyu for the last seventeen years, I know how to be one. To become one, you need tobdo the following.

FOR THE GUYS
• When out, buy everyone drinks including your girl but never spend a penny on food.
• If your girl comes to visit you, leave her in your bed and go out with your friends. Make sure not to ask her whether she’s eaten. And when you come back a few minutes before 4am, demand for your conjugal rights.
• If you are in a romantic mood probably because it’s valentines or her birthday, tell her to come visit you and give her a 50 bob for fare back home. She’ll appreciate the 10 bob balance.
• During a demonstration, don’t burn stuff! That’s wastage. Just take them home.
• Take muratina and uji for breakfast.

FOR THE GALS
• Apply wanja, red lipstick, bright colored eye shadow and exaggerated eye pencil.
• When cooking, mix everything in one sufuria; githeri, cabbage, carrots, peas, spinach, pumpkins and potatoes.
• Cook mukimo at least twice a week.

FOR EVERYONE
• Forget what grandpa and grandma are called in English or kiswahili and simply use Guka and Cucu respectively. They are much simpler.
• Bargain, bargain, and bargain a little more. Nothing should cost more than half the original price.
• Don’t give birth to more than four kids. Infact, three are already too many.
• Make sure you know the amount of fare to be paid before boarding a mathree.